Yesterday I turned 25 years old. People always ask on your birthday if you feel older and the answer is always no, but I have been feeling older lately. Not because of my birthday specifically, but throughout the past few weeks. Older might not be the best description, but I feel different – good different. I feel a new sense of clarity in my mind that I’ve never really felt before. I feel like I have, or I’m starting to have, a better sense of the things that are important in my life and what I value. Those things are Chris, my family, a handful of friends, reading, writing for writing’s sake, being outside, and being honest and authentic.
And to be honest, I’ve struggled with this blog. I know it’s only a month old, but after two weeks I stepped away from it. I haven’t posted anything in a while because I didn’t know what to say. I came across the poem by Rupi Kaur (posted above) and it sort of smacked me in the face. My blog didn’t really feel authentic. I set out to write posts honestly talking about the struggles of post grad life, but I immediately got caught up with writing for an audience and creating strong social media posts. These things, the social media especially, began draining my happiness. The blog wasn’t reflecting how I really felt and I felt fake because of it.
I started realizing the other ways in my life I was feeling unauthentic. I questioned the career I was dreaming of and the writing I was doing (not just for the blog). I’ve been realizing how important simplicity is for me. I don’t like being overwhelmed or having my mind filled with chaos, and yet this is exactly what I was doing all the time. I was chasing things I had no real interest in and spending my time and energy on things I didn’t care about. I was doing what I thought I was supposed to be doing and comparing myself to what everyone else was doing. It was making me so unhappy.
Over the past few weeks I’ve felt some of the chaos leave my mind. I’ve felt settled. I feel kind of stripped down in my mind if that makes sense. I don’t have it all figured out, and for the first time maybe ever I don’t feel the need to figure it all out. And I feel free.
I hope 25 brings more clarity and that I can continue to focus on things I actually care about. I want to try new things and not follow any certain path. I’m excited to see what happens.